Swift Kick in the Rear

There used to be a revolving bar on the top floor of the World Trade Center in New Orleans. I can’t remember what the name of the place was, but on the last night that it was open, we went to check the place out because after that we wouldn’t be able to.

It was a bit more upscale than most of the places that we frequented, both in its design and its pricing. And, personally, I found the whole rotating thing to be somewhat disconcerting. It moved slowly enough that if you weren’t looking out the window, you’d not really notice the movement, but quickly enough that if you did look out the window, you couldn’t really fix your gaze on a particular point without slowly twisting your neck in a knot.

Anyway, the whole situation led to jokes about what happens if you get drunk at a place like that, where the room was already spinning and how would you be able to handle it (which was offset with jokes about how could you even afford to get drunk at those prices, anyway?). We felt like we ought to order some sort of a swanky drink to match our surroundings, except none of us could come up with an idea; so, instead we started making suggestions of names that ought to have drinks attached to them. I can’t remember who came up with the Swift Kick in the Rear, but none of us could decide what would be in it, which was important to know, because if I went up to the bar and there wasn’t already a drink in circulation by that name, the first thing the bartender would ask me would be, “What’s in that?”

Greg came up with the only suggestion on the table. “I’ve been drinking dark rum and grapefruit juice lately,” he said, “and I don’t know if that has a name. We could call it a ‘Swift Kick in the Rear’.” So, even though that drink was way too simple to fit the name, I told the bartender that’s what was in a Swift Kick in the Rear when he didn’t know how to make that non-existent drink.

A couple of years passed and we didn’t really think about the drink, except for an occasional exchange in which Aurora or I would threaten the other with a swift kick in the rear and the other would ask if we had any grapefruit juice.

Then, during the time when my sister was living with us, we declared cocktail hour one evening and discussion again came around to the Swift Kick in the Rear. As oral tradition had firmly rooted the drink’s foundation as dark rum and grapefruit juice, we began with that and thought about how to turn it into a beverage that really would kick you in the arse. Vodka was the first, and obvious addition, but something was still missing. Because we had a citrus base—and because we’d had margaritas a couple weeks before that—Aurora suggested triple sec as the third alcohol. It tasted good, but we were still short a garnish. The ruby red grapefruit juice we were using resulted in a shirley temple-esque appearance; a maraschino cherry finished the look. We had our finished beverage.

4 Responses to “Swift Kick in the Rear”

  1. Aurora Says:

    Top of the Mart was the name of the NOLA WTC bar.

    Not to ruin Jesse’s perfectly good story about how we created the “Swift Kick in the Rear,” but I am sure that our friend Rebekah will agree that the actual recipe for the drink was concocted in the kitchen of the last apartment Jesse and I lived in in New Orleans. That probably would have been 2002 or 2003 and I can’t remember if Greg (the namer of the drink) was there, but I’m sure he was.

    Also, I think we were actually using yellow grapefruit juice, but experimented with adding maraschino cherry juice (in addition to the cherry); that idea was nixed as it made the drink too sweet.

    Note to those who want to try this drink: it really does have a lot of alcohol in it that you don’t taste (a la Long Island Iced Tea), so please consume responsibly.

    Also, this drink is usually served in a highball glass. Enjoy!

  2. Rebekah Says:

    I thought that Jesse named the drink, but as I was in my normal inebriated state of mind, I don’t remember. I barely remember our night at the Top of the Mart. I remember, though, that it became Club 360 once the chi-chi bar closed.

  3. kari Says:

    I have an ex who created a drink called the “Iron Vagina.” it’s girly and sweet and deadly. I wish I could remember what was in it.

  4. ian Says:

    I have been drinking this for years, I picked it up in st Lucia, its called a “sundowner” i was first introduced to it by a German chap, cant remember his name. We used to sit in hammocks watching the sun set over the Caribbean sea drinking it, hence the name . it is truly a wonderful drink :)

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